Am I Still Lost?

Wow. Okay. Well… Here I am.

It’s been many, many years since my grandmother died that I’ve been grasping at… Something. Some thing to hold on to. Some thing to mend the hole inside that I never really thought was there until she returned to the earth mother. Her passing was… It’s so hard to put into words… It’s like the person I was de-cloaked to reveal the person that I was meant to be. Like her spirit departing this place grabbed and tore my skin away. Years and years of my youth and the numerous teachings and experiences with Fox and Raven and Bear and Deer from my life in the forests of New York State finally clicked. They made sense in a way. It was almost… Like a twist in a movie. A “Would you kindly…” moment.

So then I sought the answer. I searched for paths. I looked into shamanism, a path I was certain she too followed. I looked back into Christianity, a path I once followed as a teenager. I fell on and off these various avenues, running into roadblocks, ifs, ands and buts… Nothing felt right. I never felt safe nor certain nor at home.

Then this encounter happens. I meet someone online and, while I certainly have already forgotten the context of the encounter, it led me to finding a mentor in them. Over many talks, personal exploration, and plain old fashioned feelings I have found myself now standing before several distinct paths, where before I felt blind, numb, and deaf in the dark.

It is an exciting time for me. So very exciting to feel that I may, finally, find a channel to refill that spiritual void in my heart. I have so, so much to learn yet. So many personal emotional barriers and behavioral issues to shatter. Am I doing this right? Where do I go from here? How do I control my eager heart without spiraling back off the road?

This is the first step of the rest of my life and I’m pleased (yet terrified) to share this journey with you.

And if you are like me, seeking a greater power to walk alongside you, enrich you, and enlighten you, I will take your hand and squeeze gently while reciting one of the most powerful mantras my mentor has yet put upon me:

“…remember – you’re not doing it wrong!”

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