A Sword In The Sheets – Dream Notes

I nearly forgot to mention, last night I had another powerful dream. It felt Important much like the falling branches (that I realize I’ve yet to share on this blog… Oops.) but I’ll note it here primarily for my own recollection.

During my dreams last night I found myself in bed, under my quilt. A long, ornate, silver sword was lying beside me, pommel by my chest, blade running along my leg. It laid above the quilt, long and rigid and heavy.

I then found the sword alight before me. I was sitting up on the edge of my bed and the sword was standing straight up. It was in my hands or my lap… I cannot remember. But it continued to be heavy and rigid. Very solid. It felt like it was holding up the ceiling or trying to push through it.

That was all there was. I remember the sword had designs on it but nothing I can conjure from memory.

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An Evening, A Morning – Meditation

Meditation. A thing I never really looked into ever. After last night’s divination, however, it became quite apparent that my listening skills are not so great. So last night while my husband showered I set the altar, made my offering, and sat quietly. I sat and just inhaled and exhaled, trying to wrench open the drain valve of my mind so all the static built up inside could just wash away.

It was pleasant. Very much so. I have had more quiet in the past seven days than in the entirety of my adult life. It was… Almost fetal. Innervating. It brought me back to That Place, the forests where I grew up. I almost felt myself apart from the place where I sat… And then my cat headbutted me.

Oh well.

This morning, though. Bless. I woke up bright and early (mostly from discomfort but, hey, small blessings in strange corners) and played a tiny bit on my computer before cooking breakfast (I know! I’m making food now too!) and setting the altar for a morning share with Artio of cold orange juice and pan-seared ham n’ eggs. Kitty needed some lap time so we watched a video or two on YouTube and then he fell asleep on the corner of the bed.

So I turned off the fan, turned on some rain sounds, and faced the altar. Breathe in, breathe out… Relax the hands, sit back, don’t think. Just be.

My phone told me it had only been about 15 minutes but… I found myself just… In a field in the rain. And I just lied there in the grass. I could feel the warm rain on my face. The sky was gray but the grass was still that bold, dark emerald that hums in a summer storm.

Somewhat embarrassingly energy then came to me. The field ceased to be visual and simply was there. Whether around me or within me I could not tell, but I felt a heat burning. A sexual energy. It built gently for, again, what felt like forever and then eventually crested and just… Calm. Little tingles through my fingers and toes. And my eyes were open.

I know I should have no shame for experiencing arousal during a moment of calm, during my meditation. Being a complete dork I, of course, googled it immediately after to discover everything from taoist chakras to good old men trying to abstain from masturbation. I settled on (and sated my embarrassment) with a simple “It happens. Don’t be discouraged.”

It certainly did not leave me wanting, nor fatigued. In fact I feel quite energetic and, I guess satiated. I suppose I’m just immediately cautious about that being ‘a regular thing’ or a trained physiological reaction. More paving stones for the path, I suppose.

Learning From The Runes

Tonight my mentor sat with me to do rune divination, to answer some questions and overall help find me some footing in this new path of mine. I went into it very nervous, uncertain of what the practice might entail or where it would take me… Or leave me.

After several readings and different questions I found myself where I had hoped I would: In a state of forward learning. Many of the things the runes spoke were truths I knew inside, but was unsure of… Which ended up being a point of some amusement as a recurring message seemed to be flexibility. Ior, the beaver, came up every single time. Adaptability. Flexibility. Lagu was a major sign as well. Uncertainty, hesitance. Chained with two loud runes of warning. Gyfu was a loud message as well… So loud that the full rune spread lay in that particular shape!

So what did I learn tonight? That I must be persistent in my practice and stop doubting myself. I must be open to changes that make come around or as a result of my journey. I must continue my offerings to Artio, continue seeking her company. BUT… And this is a big but that I, myself, was blind to… I must learn to receive love as much as I am out to give it. For days and days and days I have, on multiple occasions a day, set my altar to Her and given her my love and welcomed her beside me… But not once did I sit quietly to listen for her reply. I was putting quarters in a slot machine and walking away.

This was my biggest lesson learned tonight. That hospitality is a two-way street. It’s not just about giving. Nor is it only about taking.

Thank you for your patience, honored Mother Bear. Thank you for permitting me to learn. Let me try again for you.

It Is Midnight And I See

It is midnight and I sit by the altar, making my evening offering to Artio, looking at my mentor’s blog and reading her earliest entries. It is surprising (although perhaps it should not be so?) to see how similar to my hesitations, my uncertainties her words are. A major difference between us, of course, is she came from a much deeper, more active pagan life than I. I may as well be a babe suddenly borne unto the world.

Those things aside… It is heartening to see that just three years ago she was starting a journey not unlike my own, and had hesitations and worries much like mine.

But much like the mantra of “You’re not doing it wrong” she, too held one that I must grip to my heart every minute of this new life:

Practice begets belief.

Practice begets belief.

I very much need sleep. I am… Nervous about tomorrow.

Am I Still Lost?

Wow. Okay. Well… Here I am.

It’s been many, many years since my grandmother died that I’ve been grasping at… Something. Some thing to hold on to. Some thing to mend the hole inside that I never really thought was there until she returned to the earth mother. Her passing was… It’s so hard to put into words… It’s like the person I was de-cloaked to reveal the person that I was meant to be. Like her spirit departing this place grabbed and tore my skin away. Years and years of my youth and the numerous teachings and experiences with Fox and Raven and Bear and Deer from my life in the forests of New York State finally clicked. They made sense in a way. It was almost… Like a twist in a movie. A “Would you kindly…” moment.

So then I sought the answer. I searched for paths. I looked into shamanism, a path I was certain she too followed. I looked back into Christianity, a path I once followed as a teenager. I fell on and off these various avenues, running into roadblocks, ifs, ands and buts… Nothing felt right. I never felt safe nor certain nor at home.

Then this encounter happens. I meet someone online and, while I certainly have already forgotten the context of the encounter, it led me to finding a mentor in them. Over many talks, personal exploration, and plain old fashioned feelings I have found myself now standing before several distinct paths, where before I felt blind, numb, and deaf in the dark.

It is an exciting time for me. So very exciting to feel that I may, finally, find a channel to refill that spiritual void in my heart. I have so, so much to learn yet. So many personal emotional barriers and behavioral issues to shatter. Am I doing this right? Where do I go from here? How do I control my eager heart without spiraling back off the road?

This is the first step of the rest of my life and I’m pleased (yet terrified) to share this journey with you.

And if you are like me, seeking a greater power to walk alongside you, enrich you, and enlighten you, I will take your hand and squeeze gently while reciting one of the most powerful mantras my mentor has yet put upon me:

“…remember – you’re not doing it wrong!”