Meditation. A thing I never really looked into ever. After last night’s divination, however, it became quite apparent that my listening skills are not so great. So last night while my husband showered I set the altar, made my offering, and sat quietly. I sat and just inhaled and exhaled, trying to wrench open the drain valve of my mind so all the static built up inside could just wash away.
It was pleasant. Very much so. I have had more quiet in the past seven days than in the entirety of my adult life. It was… Almost fetal. Innervating. It brought me back to That Place, the forests where I grew up. I almost felt myself apart from the place where I sat… And then my cat headbutted me.
This morning, though. Bless. I woke up bright and early (mostly from discomfort but, hey, small blessings in strange corners) and played a tiny bit on my computer before cooking breakfast (I know! I’m making food now too!) and setting the altar for a morning share with Artio of cold orange juice and pan-seared ham n’ eggs. Kitty needed some lap time so we watched a video or two on YouTube and then he fell asleep on the corner of the bed.
So I turned off the fan, turned on some rain sounds, and faced the altar. Breathe in, breathe out… Relax the hands, sit back, don’t think. Just be.
My phone told me it had only been about 15 minutes but… I found myself just… In a field in the rain. And I just lied there in the grass. I could feel the warm rain on my face. The sky was gray but the grass was still that bold, dark emerald that hums in a summer storm.
Somewhat embarrassingly energy then came to me. The field ceased to be visual and simply was there. Whether around me or within me I could not tell, but I felt a heat burning. A sexual energy. It built gently for, again, what felt like forever and then eventually crested and just… Calm. Little tingles through my fingers and toes. And my eyes were open.
I know I should have no shame for experiencing arousal during a moment of calm, during my meditation. Being a complete dork I, of course, googled it immediately after to discover everything from taoist chakras to good old men trying to abstain from masturbation. I settled on (and sated my embarrassment) with a simple “It happens. Don’t be discouraged.”
It certainly did not leave me wanting, nor fatigued. In fact I feel quite energetic and, I guess satiated. I suppose I’m just immediately cautious about that being ‘a regular thing’ or a trained physiological reaction. More paving stones for the path, I suppose.